Five Things That Trip You Up In the Bedroom
In a new relationship, things often start out hot and heavy. But they eventually end up in the all too familiar pattern so many committed couples find themselves. Sex has become less frequent, less interesting, too routine, uninspiring, or even a chore. Does any of this sound familiar?
While it’s not reasonable to expect that you’ll maintain the same level of curiosity and excitement present at the start of a new relationship, you are also not doomed to the cliché lackluster sex life that is too frequently characteristic of the long-term committed experience.
So what gets in the way of your ideal – passionate, stimulating, fun, etc. – intimate relationship with your partner? Take a look at these five things that trip you up in the bedroom, and some valuable tips and resources that will help you overcome them.
1. Not Enough Time
I’m a city girl. For me, that means my 9-5 is rarely 9-5, and that’s not even considering my commute. I’m fortunate to have a predictable Monday through Friday schedule, but my partner’s work schedule doesn’t align with mine.
Neither does his circadian rhythm. I’m a lark. I get up early because I’m most productive in the morning and that’s the only time I have for me. He’s an owl. Try as he might, he can’t get to bed before midnight, and that would be early for him.
We haven’t even talked about personal pursuits (I’m an entrepreneur. He’s an artist.), family responsibilities, social engagements, etc., etc. And SLEEP!
This city girl thinks there’s too much to manage on a daily basis. I imagine the content of a rural life to be different, but I wonder if the time challenges aren’t similar. Even if it’s strictly work and family that fills the time (doubtful), as human beings, we seem to reliably find a way to keep our plates full.
Still, in a long-term committed relationship, we’ve gotta make time for physical intimacy. If one or both of you are busy, or your schedules don’t sync up easily, here are some things you can try:
- Intimate connection doesn’t start when you get in the bed. Jamie Long, Psy.D. in Psychology Today suggests 12 “thirty second” ways to connect when you have busy lives. Practicing any of these quickie methods throughout the day could lead to extended connection when you settle in for the night. 😊
- Having strategies for sex may make it seem less romantic, but you know what’s not romantic,? Not having sex! Ben Kassoy in an article reprinted by the New York Post suggests some practical strategies for just making it happen: compartmentalizing, compromise, communication, and hard work.
- Samantha Rodman, PhD in the Huffington Post shares some fun and practical ways to think outside the box so you can get into the bed…together, including turning off the TV for starters.
2. Not Enough Energy
Sex requires energy. That’s just physics. According to Woman’s Day, having sex burns 144 calories per half hour. That’s more calories than a person of average weight burns running a mile. How would you feel thinking about running a mile at the end of your day? Here’s what that looks like for me: up at 4AM to work on my business (mental energy) and maybe fit in some exercise; get ready for my hour-long commute to work; work a nine-hour day solving problems and dealing with people (mental energy); race out of the office to begin my hour-long commute home; then figure out what to eat before I pass out at the end of the day.
I don’t have children. I don’t prepare dinner for a family. My extra-curricular commitments, like volunteering or community responsibilities, are currently quite low. And I am WIPED OUT at the end of every day. How about you?
However, if connecting physically with your partner on a somewhat consistent basis remains a priority, here are some things you can try:
- Carl Honore in his TED Talk, In praise of slowness, suggests we slow down. And I have to admit that when I read the title, it sounded impossible to me. But as I watched, I felt like he made some compelling arguments worth seriously considering, even for an Achiever like me.
- This can be a real struggle for me, but I’ve personally seen some success with making healthier dietary choices and engaging in regular exercise. Not only do I feel more energetic when I’m on point with my health and fitness, I also feel more desirable and my sex drive is noticeably stronger.
- Smiling? – In this TED talk by Ron Gutman called The hidden power of smiling, Gutman sites research that shows smiling is more powerful than chocolate in terms of making us feel good. Considering smiling’s impact on well-being and longevity, it’s definitely worth a try.
3. Not Enough Interest
Waning interest in sex can be frustrating for both you and your partner. I recently spoke with a single girlfriend who has been dealing with a lack of libido for more than a year. As she talked about it, I was surprised that her doctor wasn’t offering any real solutions, and implied a lack of desire for sex is not significantly impactful. I agree that it’s not life-threatening, but it certainly can be quality-of-life-threatening.
According to a recent study, there may be multiple physical and mental health factors that might be associated with a lack of interest in sex: poorer health, difficulty walking up stairs, long-standing medical conditions, depression, sexually-transmitted diseases, and sexual dysfunction. Interestingly, in this study menopausal status was not shown to be statistically significant. Nor was circumcision in men.
While physical and mental health factors might require intervention by a medical professional, there may also be a number of relational factors with much more accessible solutions. Relational factors related to a lack of interest in sex included: having young children, a lack of satisfying sex due to differing preferences, a lack of sex, difficulty talking about sex, and the belief that people want less sex as they age. If you’re dealing with a lack of interest in sex, addressing some of these relational factors might improve your circumstances. Here are some suggestions:
- The study suggests care for young children affects women more than men potentially due to an imbalance in child-rearing responsibilities. Cori Howard suggests a 50/50 split may not be achievable for every couple. But better balance of parenting duties might lead to better balance in the bedroom. 🙂
- Coping with different sexual tastes can create sexual friction. Kaylan10 suggests several steps to deal with sexual incompatibility, including seeking a middle ground.
- The study seems to indicate a lack of sex (or masturbation) led to a decrease in sexual desire for women, while the reverse seems to be true for men. For women, that might mean that it can be particularly important for us to keep the mojo flowing. Sex for One was written by Betty Dodson who has remained sexually active well into her eighties. We all may have a thing or two to learn from Betty. 🙂
- Let’s face it. Talking about sex can be awkward. Call it a cultural issue, a religious issue, a social issue, a psychological issue. Whatever the issue, sometimes couples need help. One creative way to open the door to communicating about sex is to talk about someone else’s sex. Read an erotic book or magazine together as a passageway to talking about your own desires, fantasies, or needs. Nancy Friday’s female fantasy series can be a fun place to start.
- And absolutely talk about what sex means to you as you age.
4. Not Enough Knowledge
In my early thirties, I was frustrated sexually. I was married and in love, passionately connected, yet sexually unsatisfied. And it wasn’t from a lack of effort or interest. I just didn’t know what my body needed to be satisfied. And worse, I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I wasn’t even aware there was quality information available.
The natural progression of trial and error in my twenties had failed me. Despite what they say, practice did not make perfect. Then one day, the light was turned on. I walked into the Love Boutique in Santa Monica, CA. The sales associate spent 20 minutes with my girlfriends and I explaining one toy. That 20 minutes transformed my entire sex life. No longer was sexual satisfaction an unattainable mystery.
If you’re active and interested, but your intimate engagements aren’t fulfilling their promise, there’s hope:
- Like a digital guide to getting it on, Gettin’ Physical helps you discover how to enrich, expand, invigorate or re-engage physical intimacy. From how to use touch to enhance your connection, to how adult toys can enhance fun, intimacy and satisfaction, there’s a little something for everyone.
- When I was training to sell adult toys many years ago, the Guide to Getting It On was my favorite resource. Comprehensive, entertaining, and inclusive, this can be a really great resource to explore together.
- Check out the TED playlist, Talks full of weird facts about sex. It’s guaranteed to be fun, entertaining, and as always informative and thought-provoking.
5. Not Enough Good Will
In a long-term committed relationship – even the best of them – things aren’t always roses and sunshine. Disagreements happen. Life circumstances create stresses and pressures. Finances. Child-rearing. Professional setbacks. In-laws. The list goes on and on.
The weight of those pressures can have consequences for intimate relations. Sometimes you’re just not feeling warm and fuzzy toward your one and only. Unfortunately, physical distance can only exacerbate the challenges you’re facing. When those patterns repeat over time, the strain on your relationship compounds. It’s important to have effective strategies to navigate difficult times. Here are a few suggestions:
- Getting to Win-Win: How to Compromise WITHOUT Sacrificing Your Needs in a Relationship is an article that shares ways to learn to compromise effectively and how to get to win-win agreements.
- Staying Connected: Eight Epic Tips for Connecting Physically, Even When You’re Angry is an article outlines ways to create safety in your relationship to navigate challenges without having to take up separate sides. Stay connected and work through difficulty together. Come closer during times of tension, rather than moving away from each other.
- The Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop was revolutionary for me in helping me understand men from their own perspective, rather than as broken and misbehaving women. I came away with greater love, compassion, openness, and an ability to get my needs met with men. It was almost like I’d never seen them before. I met my current partner shortly after I started participating in these workshops (nearly 10 years ago), and I think it’s been a big part of the reason things are so easy between us.
The good news is, if any of these five things are tripping you up in the bedroom, there are resources to consult, tactics to try, mindsets to shift. There’s hope. Always. It’s not always easy, but take one step. Follow it with another. Then try one more and see where it takes you.
Welcome to Intimate Explorations!
I'm Tanya Finks - Dating and Relationship Coach | Gallup-certified Strengths Coach | Sex Educator | Passionate advocate for dating intentionally, building collaborative romantic partnerships, and fostering fulfilling physical intimacy. I also love my partner (madly!), international travel, and anything superhero.