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Complacency Kills: Six Completely Free Strategies to Keep the Magic Alive in Your Relationship

by | Sep 26, 2017 | Articles, Relationships | 114 comments

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This post was inspired by two friends in my real life recently lamenting the perils of living with someone, one of them married and one of them not married.  So this discussion isn’t about marriage, per se.  This is about what happens when you forget that your partner, legally contracted or not, has a choice about spending their life with you. When you start to take each other for granted, there can be so many consequences, none of them positive: feelings of resentment, neglect, or anger; a decrease in desire for one another; a lack of trust; and the tiny bits that get chipped away and add up to the deterioration of the bond between you. But the longer you’re together, the harder it can be to remember to pay attention, to show the interest, love and care you did when you were in the courting phase.  So what do you do about that?  How do you continue to show each other you care?  Read on, and I’ll share six completely free strategies to help you keep the magic alive in your relationship.

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1. Recognize that Your Partner is Dynamic

There’s a safety that comes with being with a partner for a long time.  The better you know each other, the more you feel safe in each other’s space, the more you feel comfortable being around one another, the more you feel free to be when you’re with one another.  So there’s a comfort that comes from feeling like you know each other well. But there’s a flip side to that as well.  There’s no greater disservice you can do your partner than thinking of them as fixed, as done, as cooked.  There’s a risk in feeling like we know our partner so well that there’s nothing new to learn…that we know how they’re going to react, that we know what they’re going to say, and we stop listening to them like they’re a new person every day. We’re all impacted by the experiences that we have on a daily basis.  We’re all constantly evolving.  And though we don’t change dramatically – our instincts don’t change – our thoughts, how we think about the world, how we approach the world, in small ways, may shift.  And it’s nice to know that our partner is still interested, that our partner can still be surprised by who we are. And there’s a deadness that happens when we feel like our partner doesn’t see us anymore, doesn’t listen to us, doesn’t expect anything new from us.  So one way to keep the magic alive is to listen to your partner like they’re new every day. Solve-relationship-problems-with-attention-and-communication We all fall into the “how was your day” pattern.  But it’s important to remember to ask those broader questions, those deeper questions, on a somewhat regular basis.  Those questions that get to what you’re thinking about, what you’re feeling, what you’re learning, what you’re exploring, what you hope for, what you wish for, what you value, what you care for.  Not on a daily basis, but often enough to let your partner know that you’re still curious, that you’re still looking to learn more about them, and that you recognize that they’re not done.

Complacency Kills - Keep the Magic Alive in Your Relationship

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2. Appreciate Your Partner the Way They Are

Ladies, we get a bad-rap, unfortunately well-earned, for taking on a man as a project.  We relate to them like broken women.  And men, ‘fess up.  You relate to women as emotionally indulgent men.    Gender aside, each of us have different ways of approaching the world.  And guess what.  Our different approaches work for each of us. As a strengths-coach, I help people recognize their natural talents and identify ways for them to be more of themselves to even better effect.  As a strengths-based dating and relationship coach, I help singles and couples create understanding and appreciation for the different ways they navigate the world, and to learn to leverage each others strengths, rather than trying to convince the other to do things their way. As we all know, it doesn’t work.  People are never effective at doing things our way, and it only leaves them frustrated that we don’t accept them as they are.  So rather than try to change your partner, seek to understand your partner’s approach.  Your way may seem better to you, and it’s probably genuinely better for you.  But for the sake of your relationship, understand that their way is likely better for them.  And learn how to make your ways work better together.

Complacency Kills - Keep the Magic Alive in Your Relationship

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3. Keep a Gratitude Journal

When I discovered bullet journaling, one of the things I was most excited about is that the practice helped me strengthen certain habits.  I used a habit tracker to track those habits I wanted to build, and a gratitude log to build the habit of acknowledging something I’m grateful for every day.

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In his TED talk entitled Want to be Happy?  Be Grateful, David Steindl-rast set out two requirements for gratitude – first is that the thing is something valuable to you, and second is that it’s a gift.  It’s not something you earned or purchased.  You didn’t cause it to come about.  It’s truly a gift.  Those two elements in combination inspire gratitude.  The point of David’s talk is that gratitude causes happiness, and every day, in and of itself, is something for which to be grateful.  All it takes is the noticing. Complacency Kills - Keep the Magic Alive in Your Relationship When I think about this in the context of relationship, two things stand out to me.  One is that happier people enjoy happier relationships.  So there’s that.  But imagine what would happen, if in your habit of gratitude, you focused that acknowledgement on your partner, say once a week.  If you are regularly identifying opportunities for gratitude for your mate, your attitudes toward each other can’t help but shift.  The actions that keep the magic alive naturally occur.  And if once a week isn’t enough to inspire magic, up it to two or three.  This is the best free therapy available, so I highly recommend giving it a try. Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save

4. Let Go of Keeping Score

In the very first Love Notes interview I did, Liz identified one of the things that makes her marriage work is giving up keeping score.    Paraphrasing her sentiment, when she’s keeping score – for example, Ed didn’t pick up his socks, or Ed left dirty dishes on the counter, etc. – she finds that things are harder between him and he’s less generous with her. Instead, she tries to practice a concept she learned in a course she took that said it takes both partners giving 100%, not each giving 50% to make a partnership work.  Liz finds that when she has that mindset, when she’s not keeping score, but instead is focused on giving 100% to make the relationship work, Ed is much more naturally generous with her.  And they don’t talk about it.  It just happens.  So give up keeping score and focus on giving your share, and see what happens.

5. Ask For What You Need

The longer you’ve been together, the more you may feel your partner should know what you need.  And maybe they should.  But if you’re committed to the relationship, it will be better served by workability than righteousness. Now, if you’re asking for what you need and your partner isn’t willing or able to give you what you need, that’s a different conversation.  And I completely recognize that it may not feel good to have to ask for what you need all the time.  I also understand that it’s not always easy to ask for what you need.

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But if what you seek is not only workability, but magic, be willing to ask.  Don’t let the resentment about not getting what you need build to the point that you can’t even see magic anymore. Solve-relationship-problems-with-attention-and-communication It can also be really helpful to talk about your love languages.  In his extremely popular book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman describes the five primary ways we give and receive love: words of affection, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, or acts of service. If your primary love language is physical touch, you may give your partner lots of massages and make sure to hold hands in the limited time you’re able to spend together.  But if your partner’s primary love language is quality time, they’re not going to be feeling loved the way you think they should.  And you won’t understand why not.  Understanding each other’s love language will help you to communicate love in the way your partner can hear it.

6. Express Your Love Every Day

This doesn’t take profound, poetic expressions of deep love and admiration on a daily basis.  Instead, it’s the quick little gestures that can make the biggest difference. My sweetie and I use Bitmoji to send little random love images to each other.  If you’re not familiar with Bitmoji, it’s a free app that allows you to create a character that surprisingly accurately resembles you, that you can then use to send brief greetings, acknowledgements, celebrations, frustrations, and messages of affection. What makes this strategy so effective is that the randomness communicates not only that you love your partner, which in long-standing relationships, your partner typically knows.  But that you’re thinking of them.  That they’re on your mind.  That you appreciate them.  That they’re special.  I’ve heard of people using post-it notes on the bathroom mirror to similar effect. Solve-relationship-problems-with-attention-and-communication

Keep the Magic Alive

So there you have it.  Six completely free strategies for keeping the magic alive in your relationship.  None of them are particularly challenging, or even original.  But they’re good reminders that it only takes a tiny bit of effort to keep your one-and-only feeling like the apple of your eye. I hope you found at least one practice you can put into play.  I’d love to hear how you keep the magic alive in your relationship.  Leave a comment below to join the discussion.

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114 Comments

  1. Sandra Crespo

    Love this! I agree we have to always spice it up I loved learning more about my partners love language it helped us !

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Isn’t it great! I really learned so much about myself and my partner through that lens.

      Reply
  2. Anne Yedlin

    This hits home right when I needed it. My husband and I have had issues and have definitely taken each other for granted. We just simply stopped talking to each other. So I thank you for the reminder of how a relationship is supposed to work. It’s time to bring that magic back. Wonderful post thank you.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Anne, I really hope it helps. Good luck! 💛 💛

      Reply
  3. Vanessa Palma

    Keeping score is a big one for me! We both do it and we both know it’s wrong. Thank you for this.

    Reply
  4. Lyka

    Thank you for this. I really needed it since I’ve been having a hard time with my boyfriend and I feel like we do not get each other much these days. This really helps.

    Reply
  5. Ophelia T

    These are great tips. Learning to love our partner and accept his or her flaws, and be thankful for the things he or she do are great ways in helping the relationship. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  6. thetennisfoodie

    You know it’s never easy to keep a relationship alive. Thank you for the tips. Maybe I can use this soon. And yes, the magic should always be alive. Take efforts and acknowledge the faults. Relationships are meant to be a give and take one.

    Reply
  7. amisha Home

    I totally agree with you! We all desire for a perfect partner but it is only possible in movies as nobody in the world is perfect. The strong base of marriage according to me is acceptance and forgiveness. These are great tips for all married couples. Good job

    Reply
  8. LavandaMichelle

    These are wonderful tips. As a marriage mentor at church, I pray most people let go of keeping score, but it very challenging.

    Reply
  9. Sondra Barker

    Great tips! I can be really hard to keep the spark alive. I know I have struggled with that!

    Sondra xx
    prettyfitfoodie.com

    Reply
  10. Cheryl F

    Transparency! I’m in a 7-year old relationship and transparency has so much impact especially that most of the time are spent long distance. Trust and other things will follow. ‘Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough’ – this lyric of the song says it all. Good read Ms. Finks!

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Thanks, Cheryl! Transparency is a good one. I’ve learned from my strengths-profile that transparency is particularly important to me. Whether it’s my relationship, my work, or what have you, when I feel like I’m not getting transparency, I’m a crazy woman. So I ask for what I need. But I also try to be aware that my need for transparency might be greater than others and try not to freak out if others aren’t as forthcoming as I would be. Thanks for stopping by!!

      Reply
  11. A Beauty and The Business

    What a great piece of advice! As a newly married couple these are so important to remember to do. I’m always trying to get more out of my husband when I ask how his day is.

    A Beauty and The Business

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Yep! Can be tricky to get them talking! 🙂

      Reply
  12. joancajic

    Accepting someone for who they are is really important and I love the idea of a gratitude journal, makes you see how many things one can take for granted and yet you have it.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      It’s so true, Joan! Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply
  13. Akamatra

    You are right on most counts. I believe everyone changes but love still stays if it is real.

    Reply
  14. elizabethbrico

    My husband and I serrrrrriously have problems with all of these things. Especially the keeping score. And not appreciating each other. And trying to get each other to do things our way. And…okay all of it. One question though, because this is something my husband and I squabble about (and no I am NOT just trying to get you to say I’m right…though if I am :P): when it comes to showing affection, appreciation, love, etc, doesn’t it make sense to show that in the way that is meaningful to the recipient, rather than vice-versa? I don’t mean in small everyday ways. Obviously in the every day we show love the way that makes sense to us. But if you want to do a big gesture for someone, shouldn’t you do something you know that person will like and appreciate, rather than trying to do it how you would like and appreciate it? My husband never wants to do the big-style things I like (which are pretty simple, by the way, I’m not asking for a new car), because he says he wants to do it “his way.” But that doesn’t make sense to me. When I get him gifts or go out of my way for him, I try to think about what he would like..isn’t that right way to go about it?

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Hi Elizabeth! I hear your frustration!! 🙂 You might try giving him some choices of things that would make you happy, rather than one specific thing. That way, he gets to do the choosing and it doesn’t feel like you’re telling him what to do. And whatever he chooses from your list will make you happy. Win/win! Hope that helps!! 🙂

      Reply
  15. Enjoyfreebies

    I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years now. We do often take our relationship for granted and don’t always get along. It is important to try and rekindle the magic that brought us together. These are great reminders.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Best of luck to you!! 😊

      Reply
  16. Pat

    been with my partner for over 6 years now and i must say #2 and #6 is very important! it keeps the flame burning 🙂

    Reply
  17. Terri Ramsey Beavers

    I divorced 30 some odd years ago and vowed I’d never go through that again. But you never know. I’m going to bookmark your post, I have a friend who is getting married. I know she’ll appreciate the tips.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      I hope it’s helpful! And good luck to you getting back in the dating game!! 😉

      Reply
  18. Stephanie Pass

    These are great tips. Marriage can last a long time, and you have to nourish it if you want to keep it alive.

    Reply
  19. Janella Panchamsingh

    These tips are so important to keep the flame burning in a marriage. Ppl need to realize that marriage is an investment

    Reply
  20. Tiffany

    Great post! I have been married for almost 7 years and my parents just had their 33 year anniversary. I think it is always important to keep the magic alive!

    Reply
  21. Terri Ramsey Beavers

    These are really valuable tips. Its not easy to keep the magic alive but it can be done with hard work and total commitment.

    Reply
  22. Blair Villanueva

    For some might think that love letters are dead, for me it helps to keep me and my Amore more closer. We can express more romantically in writing 🙂

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      That sounds very romantic. 😊

      Reply
  23. Cassandra Rose

    I think a lot of these tips also work for keeping a friendship sane! I feel like we sometimes forget how much work goes into having a steady relationship, romantic or platonic. #3 and #5 are definite wake up calls for me.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Cassandra, that’s such a good point. Quality relationships, period, take a little bit of consistent nurturing to maintain. Great observation. Yeah, #3 and #5 are good ones. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply
  24. Jennifer L

    Wow you need to write a book on relationships. I definitely agree that it’s important to express love every day whether its doing something small or big or just being supportive.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Jennifer, Thanks so much for that. You’re so right. It’s so important and often doesn’t take much effort at all. Thanks for stopping by! 😁

      Reply
  25. The Chocolate Mommy

    Great tips Ms Finks! I was keeping a gratitude journal for a while a couple months back, and would write down one thing I appreciated about my husband. Unfortunately, I fell out of the practice, and can now see that I get a lot more annoyed by my husband now than I did when I was writing the journal. Thanks for the reminder!

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      It can have such an impact! Thanks for sharing your experience!!

      Reply
  26. Sheri

    These are wonderful tips and suggestions. Also taking each other for granted is the worst thing. Respect gets lower the longer it happens. I also think knowing how to say please, thank you and I am sorry is so important.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Great additions, Sheri! And great point about respect. It really can be very damaging.

      Reply
  27. Mai Pham

    These tips are great and so true. I’ll bear these in my mind, even though I’m single now. I’m still waiting for a magic in my relationship. Thanks for sharing your post 😀

    Reply
  28. Jen S

    Great tips, and so true! I hate when people keep scores, even in friendships. It drives me crazy and is one of my biggest pet peeves.

    Reply
  29. Sadie

    I love these tips!! My favorite is the gratitude journal. Such an important thing to do in general.

    Reply
  30. kalliamanika

    Number four, letting go of staying sore, to me, is the most important. My husband and I have a rule. Never go to bed angry. Doesn’t matter what is wrong, when we kiss goodnight it’s over and that has helped our relationship. Great tips!

    Reply
  31. munniofalltrades

    I have been with my partner for the past 3 years now and there are times we keep taking each other for granted. These are great strategies that I hope will help reignite our passion 🙂

    Reply
  32. Violinkit

    Unfortunately my husband and I didn’t keep the “magic” alive and we are now separated. . We allowed anger and emotional neglect to build up . My feelings of isolation and need became bigger and I kept it all to myself. Then I turned to someone else and had an affair. I have regrets that we didn’t put into practise the pointers that you have made here.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Unfortunately, it’s an all too common story. Have compassion for yourself. I believe we’re all doing the best we can with the information and resources we have in any moment. With new information and perspective, all we can do is forgive and have compassion for the person who had to make those choices, no matter how we feel about the choices they made. Sending loving, healing thoughts. ❤

      Reply
  33. ChaCha Fance

    These are some great tips. One way my husband and I keep the magic alive is by going on dinner dates. We don’t ever want to get too busy for each other. It definitely helps spending that quality time together, even if it is just for a couple hours.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      I love that, Chacha. You’re building the habits that keep the magic alive. Those types of habits are the only thing that can. Congrats!

      Reply
  34. Elise Cohen Ho

    If each partner only gives 50% that is still only half effort even though 50+50 is 100

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Brilliant! 🙂

      Reply
  35. thenafranssen

    Totally great and relevant post. So important to keep these things in mind! Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Thank you for stopping by!

      Reply
  36. eastcoasterlifestyle

    I agree about the, “appreciate your partner the way they are.” For instance, my husband is so grumpy but he is the most loving person in the world.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      I love that! Grumpy husbands indeed. 🙂 But it’s so true. Hopefully, we partnered because we found them to be amazing on some level. So finding ways to hold on to that perspective throughout the trials, tribulations, or even monotony of the day-to-day is critical.

      Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Kathy. 💛 You remind us of what an important opportunity we have to appreciate our partners every day. Thank you for sharing. 💛💛

      Reply
  37. Sylvie Hanes

    These are great tips. We’ve been married for 31 years, and every night we say I love you before falling asleep. We thank each other for everyday things like the fact he does the dishes, or I do our laundry etc. We never take each other for granted, and we try to always spend some time to discuss the day. Thanks for sharing your list of things!

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      With habits like that, it’s no surprise you’ve lasted 31 years. Congratulations! I would love to interview you for my Love Notes series.

      Reply
  38. tachiwi

    I am currently single and I really have no intention of changing that anytime soon . Lol . I loved the post though. You offer some great advice . I know many of my friends who want a project as you described . In general I think both sexes get complacent and comfortable and stop trying because we assume our partner will stick around . Just like a plant no water , no nurturing it will eventually die . Great article

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Thanks, Tachi! Enjoying your freedom, huh? 🙂 Yeah, that forgetting your partner has a choice is a dangerous one. It’s such a beautiful feeling when you recognize that your partner is choosing you every day. Thanks for reading the article! 🙂

      Reply
      • tachiwi

        Yes I am enjoying it . I find the men here to be a complete waste of energy lol . I woild rather be alone than with someone who does not appreciate me

        Reply
        • Ms. Finks

          Good for you!

          Reply
  39. Patty

    Thanks for these tips! A good, solid relationship is hard work. Unfortunately, the movies and TV make us think that if it’s not easy, it’s not worth it.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Isn’t that the truth. It’s a little harder when you don’t have someone writing the script! 🙂

      Reply
  40. LaToya

    Good post and these are tips are a must in each and every relationship to keep it fresh and going long term. A lot of people tend to think you can do the minimal in a relationship after they get the person but it’s not true that relationship have to be maintained well to last.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      So true, LaToya. And it’s so easy to fall into that trap. Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply
  41. Mike Satterfield

    Great story, it boils down to putting the work and really trying. I see so many people who just stop trying and it is sad.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      It is sad. I think we get resigned and don’t realize that a few small actions taken over time could have a huge impact on the quality of the relationship. It can seem insurmountable when things get a little stale.

      Reply
  42. Trading Desks for Dirt

    Good strategies! I’m all for the one about not keeping score. My hubby and I call it “tit-for-tat” and we always get ourselves in trouble when that starts happening.
    – Christine

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Thanks for sharing, Christine! That’s definitely a tricky one. 🙂

      Reply
  43. Dorothy Reinhold

    You’ve given me a great deal to think about. Thank you for your advice and insight.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      My pleasure, Dorothy. I truly hope it’s helpful. oxo

      Reply
  44. Rebecca

    Awesome tips! I love the idea of a gratitude journal.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      That’s turning out to be a popular one. 🙂

      Reply
  45. Kuini

    So true, love the idea of remembering gratitude within the relationship

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      So important!

      Reply
  46. graceherjourney

    Love the grattitude journal! Will start keeping one when I am in a relationship again. You give very good advice and I strongly believe that they will help to keep a relationship lively.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Thank you! 🙂

      Reply
  47. Tissy

    Love the gratitude journal good for so many things including your inner critic. Great read.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Ah, that inner critic. Great point! 🙂

      Reply
  48. Ingrid Rizzolo

    Appreciating your partner the way they are as you recommended is test of maturity .We always want to transform them into what we think they should be. Entering into and maintaining consistently effective relationships is indeed an exercise for the mature

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      That’s such an important point, Ingrid. We’ve got to put down childhood fantasies about marriage, and do the real work. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  49. thewanderingcore

    This was a wonderful list – very important for people in relationship to understand!! Loved the idea where we should dwell more than just how was your day!!

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Thank you!

      Reply
  50. Adriana Martin (@ABRecipes)

    I have been married for 8 years and I can say we are a happy couple but marriage is something you need to work on everyday. We actually profess our love daily basis and respect each other by taking decisions together. Thanks for the recommendations.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Congratulations on 8 years. That’s awesome! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

      Reply
  51. Fantabulous40s

    Excellent post. I think most people get so comfortable in their relationship that they feel there is nothing they can do (outside of cheating) that will make that person stop loving them. Huge mistake. That’s when you start to take people for granted or neglecting them. I speak form experience. Very good advice and yes all doable.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      That’s so true. We forget our partner has a choice. If the relationship is important, we’ve got to treat it as such. Thanks for giving it a read!

      Reply
  52. Amelia

    Hey Finks! Thanks for the article. Relationship these days are becoming toxic and to resist it we need information like this. Thanks for taking out time to write this piece.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Thanks for stopping by, Amelia!

      Reply
  53. This Wife Cooks

    Oh wow! You had me at the “how was your day” routine – that’s all too familiar. I was keeping a gratitude journal for a while… I should get back to that. 🙂

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      🙂

      Reply
  54. Joline

    We’re celebrating our 10th year wedding anniversary this year…time flies! I think being able to laugh together is a gift. Enjoying the little things.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Congrats on your 10th anniversary!!! Laughter is so important. That totally could have been strategy number 7! Thanks for stopping by, Joline.

      Reply
  55. jenny at dapperhouse (@dapperhouse)

    I need to implement quite a few of these into my relationship. I think that asking for what I want is difficult because I have to face rejection but maybe I just need to realize that rejection is a risk worth taking because he could say “yes” but if not, I am no worse off than before I asked.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      So true, Jenny. You’re no worse off. And the upside is potentially awesome. You might also check out Getting to Win-Win. Best of luck to you!!

      Reply
  56. Amber

    Love this post. My husband and I are very much in love and truly enjoy one anothers company but lately I have been noticing that when he talks I have been sort of zoning him out EVEN THOUGH I LOVE what he has to say. I’m going to take your advice to heart about listening like they are a NEW person.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      That’s so great, Amber. It’s so true. It’s not about how much we love them. It’s human nature. Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply
  57. Vivian

    Great article, it takes conscious and deliberate effort to keep the fire burning in a relationship. Sometimes it is like a lot of work considering the many demands for our time and attention such as motherhood and work.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      So true, Vivian. So many demands! So little time. We have to be mindful. Thanks!

      Reply
  58. Kristi McAllister

    Ah, magic. One of my favorite words. It takes a lot of commitment from both partners to keep things fresh and new. People say it’s 50/50, but really, it’s more like 100/100. Great post! Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Love it, Kristi! Thanks for stopping by! oxo

      Reply
  59. Kimberly Clay

    Hi Tanya! What a frigging fantastic article! Having been part of a marriage partnership that lasted MANY years, what you have written is not only honest, but truly authentic. From my experience, numbers 1, 2 and 4 especially resonated with me. It took me years to sincerely understand those finer points. This post offers excellent advice for couples who wish not only to survive their relationships, but to thrive within them!

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Speak, Kimberly! Those were some juicy items indeed, with great potential to keep the magic alive. I really appreciate hearing that from someone who’s put in the time and learned the lessons. If you and your partner have been married 20 years or longer, please contact me if you’d like to be interviewed for my Love Notes series. I’d love that!! 🙂

      Reply
  60. Kieanitria

    Gasp! I’ve lost the magic! Really good pointers that I could have used before losing the magic. Ha. I think I even tried a couple of these.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Gosh, Kieanitria. I’m so sorry to hear that the magic has died. And it sounds like you can’t see a way to resuscitate it. That’s such a hard place to be. And without concentrated effort and attention from both parties, it can be extremely difficult to move out of that hard place. I wish you much love, strength and compassion for yourself and your partner as you figure out your path forward. oxo

      Reply
  61. daneen rogers

    Great post! You know with tweaks, this can also hold true for relationships with your teenage kids as well.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Ah, Daneen!! I love this as advice for parenting teens. That could be so powerful for all involved. Thanks for the insight!! 🙂

      Reply
  62. Catherine G

    Great read! It is definitely hard to keep the magic alive, especially after having kids. I found that reminding myself that your relationship is the foundation that your family is built on helped me make the time to connect at the end of long days!

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      That’s such an important point, Catherine. Nurturing your romantic partnership has rippling impacts on the family you’re growing. Good for you! 🙂

      Reply
  63. Ashley Rae

    This was a good read! Even though I am single I always look forward to information about relationships.

    Reply
    • Ms. Finks

      Thanks you, Ashley. Thanks so much for stopping by, and all the best in your search!! 🙂

      Reply

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Hi there!  I’m Tanya Finks.  I help people date intentionally, build collaborative romantic partnerships, and foster fulfilling physical intimacy.  I’m happily coupled, I’m a staunch believer in vacation, and I love anything crime drama, all things Shonda Rhimes, and everything superhero.


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