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Dear Lover by David Deida: How I Learned to Let Men In

by | Aug 10, 2017 | Reviews | 0 comments

Do you sometimes feel like men have ONE agenda?  Does that fear sometimes get in the way of genuine connection with the opposite sex?  I was in that place and didn’t even realize it until a brave woman challenged me to look a little deeper.

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Years ago, a girlfriend and I took semi-private exotic dance classes from a mutual friend.  The two of us were comical.  Awkward.  Clumsy.  Inhibited.  Just a mess.


Our teacher recommended we read Dear Lover: A Woman’s Guide To Men, Sex, And Love’s Deepest Bliss by David Deida.  She thought it would help us open to our femininity, our sensuality, and help us understand what men appreciate about a woman’s body and her essence.




Honestly, I had my doubts.  I thought she was full of crap.  But I trusted and respected her, and I wanted what she had – a comfort and confidence with her body, an ability to be sexy, and an understanding of and appreciation for men that seemed to escape me.  I took her advice for two reasons: 1) I wasn’t free to move my body the way she was, and 2) I wasn’t ‘in my body” the way she seemed to be.  Turns out, she really saw something I couldn’t see.

Dear lover, when I look into your eyes, I feel your heart’s yearning.  Nothing is more beautiful to me than your love.

The first time I read the book, I was so confronted by the material, I was angry.  I was annoyed with my pole dance teacher…I was annoyed with the author.  I was just annoyed.  The content of the book reached so deeply and challenged me so thoroughly that I was disturbed about it. I put it down and dismissed it as B.S.

But it had obviously aroused something in me.  When I read it the second time, I was more open, more prepared to take it in.  And the lingering question for me throughout the book was “could men really think like this?”  The language, the concepts, the desires – they all seemed so foreign when compared against my perception of men.  Could my own partner really desire to connect with me the way David Deida poetically described?  I seriously doubted it.

By the third time I read the book, I was interested in what he had to say.  What if I didn’t know men’s intimate lives at all?  What if I had put up walls that kept men out?  What if there were a deeper connection, the kind of connection I longed for as a woman, available for me and my partner?  I got curious.  I got interested.  And the result was a whole new context for the sensual intimacy between my partner and I.

I couldn’t have learned the lessons from a woman because I never would have believed it.  Learning from David Deida made a whole new relationship available to my partner and I.  I profoundly understood that I had no idea what makes men tick.  I had the surface assumptions passed down through generations.  But there’s so much more.  And I wouldn’t have discovered it, had I not read Dear Lover.

Learning about my female body, how it works and what it needs was a turning point for me in my physical relationships.  Reading Dear Lover (the second and third times especially) was a turning point in my ability to be present, to be vulnerable, and to be intimate.  I highly recommend.



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Hi there!  I’m Tanya Finks.  I help people date intentionally, build collaborative romantic partnerships, and foster fulfilling physical intimacy.  I’m happily coupled, I’m a staunch believer in vacation, and I love anything crime drama, all things Shonda Rhimes, and everything superhero.

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