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Love Notes: Liz & Ed – Married 30+ Years

by | Aug 2, 2017 | Love Notes | 0 comments

Published on Wednesdays, Love Notes interviews with people married 20 years or longer are intended to inspire us about what’s possible, but also capture a realistic picture of what it takes to make love last a lifetime.

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How did you and Ed meet?

Liz: I was working at the Hungry Tiger in Westwood as a cocktail waitress, and I was married to someone else, and it wasn’t really going very well. Ed was a friend of one of the bartenders that I worked with, so he would come into the bar. He was a really good looking guy, nice guy, and all that. So that’s how I met him.  He was a friend of a guy I worked with.  Then he came to work at the Hungry Tiger as a bartender.

So I worked with him, and I really liked him. I liked his intellect; I thought he was handsome’ I liked his maturity. He was a veteran, and he’d put himself through school. He had just finished his Masters degree in Psychology and he was working with a Psychologist.  So he was just sort of starting out on a career and getting his hours to get his Marriage, Family, Child Counseling license. I just liked him. I thought he was a great guy. I would tell one of my best friends that I worked with, “You really should date him.” I would work for her so that she could go out with Ed, because I thought he was a great guy, much better than those other jokers she’d been dating. “This is the kind of guy you should be dating. This is the kind of guy you should marry. Not these other losers.”  And I would say great things to him about her, and say great things to her about him and tried to put them together. They dated for a few months, but it just never quite worked. I would see them at social events and things, so the three of us would all goof around and drink and get crazy, but it just didn’t work out between the two of them. He was quite the ladies’ man, so he was dating, and at the same time, my marriage wasn’t working out, but I never thought of him for myself in a romantic way at all. It just never crossed my mind. So when I decided to end my marriage, I went to stay with my girlfriend, Lisa, who I’d been fixing Ed up with. She said to me, right away when I got there, “I’m glad you left the jerk, and you should be dating Ed. The two of you would really hit it off. He wasn’t my type, but the two of you, for sure.” I was like “Oh, come on.” So I go back to work and right away Ed’s like “Oh my gosh, so you’re single now?” I’m like “Yeah, you know,” blah, blah, blah. I told the whole story. Because I’d observed him, Mr. Playboy, as a bartender, with all the different women he’d date, and all the women hitting on him and giving him their phone number, he used to joke about how he had this formula for dating and for getting women to want to have sex with him. We’d joke about it and I used to just howl. Ed said, “You know, here’s the formula. Because I’m in Psychology, I’ll say this and then I’ll say that, and then you ask them out, and then you do…” He had this whole structure of how to get women into bed. Ms. T: That is SO funny. Save Save Save
Liz: It was really, you know, from a feminist perspective, really disgusting. And I would call him out on it, and I would laugh about it. So this other bartender friend of mine, Hank, who was Ed’s best friend, and I created this whole cartoon character anti-hero, Formula Man. And we created these whole elaborate scenarios of how Ed as Formula Man would get women into bed, and of course he was saving them by giving them orgasms and all this stuff. Ed didn’t like it at all, because we were making fun of him. We were being humorous, and he was so serious about dating and all of that and how to get women into bed. The whole point was the sex. It was just crazy.

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So, he says to me “I’m single. You know, we’re both really mature people. We’re smart…” and he’s just describing all of these attributes about us, and I’m like ‘yeah, whatever.’ I didn’t t really get where he was going. And I’m just like ‘yeah, here’s more of Ed just blowing his own horn. And he says “You know, we should get together.” And I said “Really?” And he says “Yeah, because we could have really great sex and we wouldn’t get hung up about it. Because I know you’re the kind of person who’s mature, we think alike, and we could have great sex and you wouldn’t get all weird and hung up about it.” I looked at him and said “You know, it’s a really great offer, and I’m sure you’re right, but I’m going to have to check in with Lisa. Because I’ve gotta tell ya, women, we’re really…we don’t think the same way as men, contrary to your belief, and she might not like it. You know, we don’t just pass guys around the way guys would like to be passed around. I would want to make sure that it would be ok with her. Women, good friends are hard to come by. They’re really special. And guys to have great sex with are like buses. There’s another one every 10 minutes.” And he was just like “Oh. Well. Ok. Fine.” And I was like “So, I’ll tell you what. I’ll check it out, I’ll give you a call.” I’m thinking to myself, ‘this guy is a crack up.’ But I still liked him, I thought he was great. So I just see the humor in it. I think to myself, ‘hey, you don’t get it if you don’t ask.’ And I thought, ‘you know, I could use some really good sex right about now anyway.’ You know, friends with benefits is a good thing! So I go home and I’m talking to Lisa, and she’s like “Oh, you know, you really should…” and she was giving me details, and she says “I told you, he was just not my kind of guy, but I think the two of you would hit it off, I really do.” And I’m like “Ok, well, I’ll give him a call.” But he ends up calling me. It was over a July 4th weekend or something and he was going sailing with some girlfriend that he dated, or friends-with-benefits person of his. He called me from Catalina to see what the answer was, so I thought ‘wow, he’s a little eager. He’s on a date, a weekend with somebody else and he’s calling me to see.’ So I said “Well, Lisa said that it’s cool, so call me when you get back.” Save Save Save Save
So he calls me Monday morning. He says “Look, you know, you’re working tonight, right?” I go “Yeah, I am.” And he says “Why don’t you come home with me tonight?” That night wouldn’t work because I had to be up early, so we went out for drinks instead.  We had a good time, drank some wine, and I went home.  We made a date to get together the next day.
So he’s going to come over and go swimming at my girlfriend’s apartment where I’m staying and we’re supposed to have sex. So he comes over, and I’m like ‘hi, how ya doing, let’s get some ice tea and go down to the pool,’ and we’re reading and we’re lounging around and just doing whatever, listening to the, I guess it was a transistor radio, I have no idea. They didn’t have iPods then. So whatever we had, Walkman’s or something, and swimming, what have you, and I’m thinking ‘so, we’re having fun at the pool, but when is the sex?’ I’m waiting for Formula Man to show up because I’m imagining he’s got this whole routine he does with women. I’m expecting some smooth seduction performance. But he’s so thrown off his game because I’m not the usual, I guess, bimbo, and I know his M.O. So we go upstairs. We had a sandwich, and I think I gave him a beer, and I’m looking at my watch and I said, “Well, you know, you have to go to work tonight, right?” He’s like “Yeah.” I said “So what time do you have to leave?” He says “Well, I probably gotta get out of here about, you know like 4:00.” I said “Great, well, it’s uh 2:00 now, so I’m thinking we’re gonna be running pretty short on time here pretty soon. So, what do you think?” And he’s just like “Uh, uh. I was just thinking that maybe… I was trying to work up to, maybe, to some sort of smooth transition or some smooth sort of foreplay or something. And it’s a little awkward.” And I said “I think you should just go for it, ‘cuz time is wasting. And you’ve been advertising this for a long time and I’m waiting to see.” And the poor guy. You know, it was great. We had a really good time. I’ve teased him about this forever. Ms. T: You totally put all the pressure on. Liz: I know, he totally set himself up. Come on. All show and no go. Come on. And it was all in good fun. It was like “Hellooo! The day is passing us by.” Ms. T: That is too funny.
Liz: Mr. Yeah-we-could-have-really-great-sex-and-we-could-do-this. I’m like ‘ok, good! Let’s go!’ And then he’s all shy, you know, like it’s his first date or something. So later I teased him about it. And he was like “Well, but you just weren’t like the other ones. Suddenly, it was like ‘Oh, shit.’” I guess he would describe me to people “Well, you know, all those other women were like going out to McDonald’s, and suddenly I’m eating at a five star restaurant, and I didn’t know how to behave.” So that’s how we met. Ms. T: That’s so great.
Liz: Yeah, and we just pretty much were an item right after that. So I guess on one hand, I thought ‘well, gee, should I have played the field a little bit more?’ Ms. T: You’ve been married a long time now.  Maybe you made the right decision? Liz: Yeah. And you know what was really great? We already knew each other. And we’d known each other for probably three years. Ms. T: Really? Had it been that long? Liz: Yeah, we knew each other for a couple years. Two or three years. So I knew him pretty well, and I’d seen him with all of his girlfriends, and my friend. I’d seen it all, and I just couldn’t figure out like ‘why did she blow it with him?’ And of course, I’d see him, Mr. Formula Man, and I’d be like, ‘this isn’t you. This is stupid, these airheads you’re dating. What’s the matter with you?’ But, that’s what he was doing.

When did you know he was the one?

Liz: I guess I knew it before I knew it, because I was telling people ‘he’s the kind of guy you should marry.’ So I guess in my mind I’d already figured out that I was married to the wrong kind of guy, and he was the kind of guy women should marry. So I have to think that I knew that, but actually, the thought of marriage hadn’t really crossed my mind because I had a lot of baggage around marriage that took me a number of years to get over. Ms. T: From your first marriage? Liz: Yeah, and when I kind of surmised that Ed was going to propose, I mean I was panic-stricken. ‘Oh my god, what will I say? I don’t know if I want to get married. I don’t want to not be with him, but I don’t know if I want to be married. Because when you get married, that’s when they do the weird shit.’

Ms. T: And how long did you guys date before he proposed? Liz: Four years. Ms. T: Wow, so you knew each other for two or three and you dated for four years before he proposed. Liz: Yeah, and we probably were in the “dating” for a couple of months before he was at my apartment. You know I got my own place right away, and he was there constantly. Then it was “I brought you a present.” It was a color TV. I didn’t have a TV. And of course he’s a man and wants a color TV. I was like “Oh, that’s nice, a color TV.” Then my closets were full of his clothes and he just never went home. He had a place, and so I guess after we’d been dating for less than a year, or maybe a year, they were going to raise the rents at my place. I just was talking about it and he says “Well, we should move in together.” And I’m thinking, “Woah, ok.” And we decided that I would move into where he was because he was sharing a house with someone. It was a really great house. We had been living together, you know formally, for three years before we got married. We shared the house with this woman for one year, and then we had our own place together for two years. But literally, we were for four years living together before he proposed. And then I guessed that he was going to propose. Check out part two of their story here.

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Hi there!  I’m Tanya Finks.  I help people date intentionally, build collaborative romantic partnerships, and foster fulfilling physical intimacy.  I’m happily coupled, I’m a staunch believer in vacation, and I love anything crime drama, all things Shonda Rhimes, and everything superhero.


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